Voyager  Spirit World
by MyLadyLorna
Summary: Kathryn struggles with spirituality after her encounter with the spirit world in "Sacred Ground." Unable to turn to anyone else, she goes to Chakotay for guidance. Trusting Chakotay as her First Officer may lead them down paths she's reluctant to follow.
1. Chapter 1

Voyager - Spirit World

_Chapter One - On an Empty Stomach_

by Carissa Horton

Rating: PG13 for sensuality (duh)

Summary: Set immediately after episode _Sacred Ground_ in Season Three. Kathryn is struggling with her scientific side after her encounter with the spirit world on Nechani. Not knowing where else to go, she turns to Chakotay for guidance, little knowing her trust in him might develop into more than she anticipated. Throw in a pinch of adventure, a dash of Vidiian evil, and a smidgeon of danger and we've got ourselves a story.

I'm a new fan. I confess it to the world! I know how the show ends and this relationships goes a big fat nowhere. However, the bland ending of _Stargate SG-1_ didn't keep me from shipping Jack and Sam so I figure I'm safe watching the sparks fly between Chakotay and Janeway. And believe me, there are sparks. This fic is meant to fulfill my own perverse need to see them together, even if it is only through the written word. So come along for the ride. Let's see if you can keep up!

Chapter One

The Doctor could talk all he wanted about scientific evidence and logical explanations. But there was no real logic behind Kes's magical and miraculous recovery from death. Listlessly starring into space as she walked, Kathryn recounted her meeting with the spirits of Nechani. Crewmembers paused in their hurrying, gazing behind them as Kathryn vanished around first one corridor and then another, paying them no mind. No matter what the Doctor said, no matter the logical spin he put on Kes's healing, Kathryn knew what she had experienced. These spirits, or whatever they were, had healed Kes, and they had opened a completely new door in Kathryn's mind, a door to the realm of possibilities. If it was possible for a creature, a terrifyingly powerful creature like the Caretaker, to zap Voyager hundreds of thousands of light-years from home, then who was she to say that these spirits did not exist, or that they could not heal when the mood struck them.

She stumbled against the wall, a wave of fatigue engulfing her. It had been four days since she had slept and nearly that long since she'd eaten anything. Hunger gnawed at her insides and she didn't want to think anymore, just to find some food and then sleep. Gathering her strength, Kathryn pushed away from the wall with her trembling arms, finding her bearings. She blinked. Right across from her was the door to Chakotay's quarters. Another wave of dizziness struck her. A trip to sickbay was not an option. The Doctor possessed a dreadful bedside manner. Besides, Kathryn loathed personal illness and all the sympathetic compassion accompanying the infirm. Pressing her hand against the keypad, Kathryn waited silently, breathing in and out. Chakotay's curious eyes gazed at her before she even realized he had approved her entry.

"Captain? Are you feeling all right?"

Smiling, she attempted to hide the weakness she felt, "Of course. Nothing to worry about, Chakotay."

He glanced down the empty corridor, both ways, cocking an eyebrow. "Forgive my asking, but then why are you here?"

"I. . ." another wave of dizziness struck her. Kathryn's knees gave out, sending her crashing towards the floor. Strong arms engulfed her before she connected with the corridor. Lights flashed in and out in her mind but she was cognizant enough to recognize Chakotay lifting her inside his cabin. Soft pillows supported her back; subdued lighting greeted her eyes as she attempted to place the music softly pulsing inside Chakotay's cabin. Was it Bach? Mozart, perhaps? No, it had to be Copland. That cowboy sound could be no other.

A cold rim nudged her lips apart, sweet liquid coursing down her throat as she eagerly sipped the tea. Chakotay's fingers brushed loose strands of hair from her eyes and she looked at him, at the panic he tried so desperately to conceal, as well as the questions he yearned to ask.

Trembling fingers rose and Kathryn pressed the crease between her eyes. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I don't know what came over me just now. I felt so small, so weak."

He settled back from her, resting on his heels, still crouched at her feet. "You haven't eaten in three days, Captain. I'm vacillating between informing sickbay or merely ordering you a hot meal. Knowing you, I'm sure you would prefer to avoid another visit to sickbay."

"Please. I'd much rather eat." Kathryn drew in a couple of deep breaths, in through her nose, out through her mouth, feeling the oxygen swirl through her muscles and nervous system, strengthening her brain. "Shall we go to the mess hall?"

"What and force some of Neelix's cooking on you after you nearly passed out in the corridor. I don't think so. How does some linguini with spinach and cheese sound? The replicator produces a delicious result." He rose without waiting for her answer, rested a hand on her shoulder without apology, and headed to the replicator.

"Since saying no isn't an option than I'll merely agree. I'm too weak to argue with you anyway."

"Oh, you are tired!"

"No teasing the captain after she's come knocking at your quarters in the middle of the night. Whatever would the crew think?"

"Well," he handed her a plate of delectable pasta and a refill on her glass of iced tea, "if they made any rash assumptions, than they obviously don't know you, even after all these years on Voyager, nor do they know me."

She took one bite and exhaled a delighted sigh, "Thank you, Commander. This is precisely what I needed."

Watching Kathryn dig into her food with gusto, Chakotay focused on her appearance. Her skin was incredibly pale, more so than usual. In addition, her hand trembled, no matter how she tried to keep it still. The Doctor declared her fit for duty. These might just be side effects of starving herself for a few days. _Or,_ he pondered_, it could be more_. Chakotay would never forget his first experience with the spirits of his people, the spirit of his father. That moment had rocked him to the core, tilting his entire world upside down. Kathryn was even less accustomed to spiritual encounters than he had been. Within moments, her plate was empty and she was sighing contentedly.

His hand reached out of its own volition and brushed a strand of Kathryn's hair behind her ear then tilted her chin toward him so he could study her more closely. Her eyes widened at their suddenly too-close proximity. She had stopped breathing, he noticed, almost warmed at the thought that he might, just might, be affecting her with his presence. However, his need was not physical. Chakotay looked deep into her mind, searching her eyes for some sign of change, and he found it. His fingers nearly caressed her as he released her chin.

"Chakotay!" A part of her, a rather large part, wanted to scramble away from him. This was precisely how she had felt when they'd been trapped together on that damn planet, the only two beings, for months on end. His yearning for intimacy with her, both physical and emotional, had scattered her resolve. He was doing precisely the same thing now and she didn't like it. Or worse yet, maybe she did.

"I apologize, Captain. I just needed to see." He coolly faced her accusatory glare, steepling his fingers together against his lips, "I needed to see if you had undergone a transformation on Nechani. I was right, you have."

Kathryn stilled on his sofa, very aware of the pressure of the cushions against her thighs, of every breath she exhaled, of the way Chakotay sat, oh, so calmly, a mere foot away from her. She couldn't resist, she was drawn to meet his stare. _My god, what am I doing!_ Air constricted in her lungs, Kathryn felt that damn dizziness returning, the room started to spin. Until Chakotay grabbed her hands, providing her with an anchor. Gulping in a deep, shuddering breath, Kathryn focused on the masculine hands now gripping her own. His thumbs gently rubbed along her knuckles, the light pressure tightening and releasing. She found her focus again, her center.

"Tell me, Captain. What have you seen?" Chakotay gently requested.

Her eyes, enormous pools of blue, pleaded for his understanding. "Chakotay, I don't believe the Doctor's prognosis. I know all about science and logic. One of my closest friends is a damned Vulcan! Nevertheless, for all my science, I cannot explain Kes's recovery! You were there, Chakotay! You doubted, just as I did, in my heart of hearts. But when I picked Kes up and we walked through that force field, I felt something, something no scientist can explain. I felt a spiritual awareness in my soul, if there even is such a thing!"

A crease formed on Chakotay's brow and Kathryn felt her resolve for composure slipping. She needed him, him above anyone else, to believe her. "Please, Chakotay. I'm not crazy. I know how this sounds, but I'm not crazy."

She was desperate for his approval, for his understanding. Under no other circumstances would his captain cling so hungrily to his hands, mentally closing the distance between them with her eyes. How he wished, yearned, that she had come to him for some other reason than to simply be reassured that the spirit world could possibly exist. This wasn't the time. It might never be the time, a fact he'd reconciled himself to long ago.

"For what it's worth, Kathryn," the name slipped easily from his lips, recapturing the intimacy they'd experienced once before, "I know you're not crazy. You came to me tonight because you know of my history with the spirit world. It's true. I've encountered beings that Tuvok would declare illogical and would have the Doctor searching for medicine to cure my visions. I can no longer deny the spirits of my ancestors because I know them personally." She soaked up every word he uttered, a fact that sent warmth flooding his veins.

"So, what now, Chakotay? What's my next step?"

"You're confused. I can see it in your eyes and so will anyone else on this ship. Fainting spells aside, Captain, we need to help you find a happy medium, an explanation of events that you can live with. You might never find complete peace about your experience on Nechani, but you might be able to accept that answers are not always necessary, sometimes we just have to trust."

Not even aware that she still clung to his hands, this time performing the ministrations of tightening and lessening her grip, Kathryn murmured, "Will you help me? I can't go to anyone else, Chakotay. Not even Tuvok. As you said, he wouldn't understand. Help me find my center again."

A flash of compassion so strong it shook his very soul thundered through Chakotay. This woman, this leader of men, needed him. The circumstances of her need didn't matter. He could not refuse her. "Of course, Captain. We can begin tonight if you feel able, or we can begin after you've had some sleep."

The slightest smile brushed her lips. "Chakotay, I believe you called me Kathryn a few moments ago. I'd like it if you would do so again."

"It's not appropriate, Captain."

"It is when we're alone, Commander."

"And if I slip?" he queried.

"You won't slip. I trust your discretion in this matter."

Sliding his hands out from under hers, Chakotay stood, providing much-needed distance between them. A muscle in his jaw jumped and his eyes shuttered closed. "Very well. But only for these sessions. I don't trust myself not to slip in front of the crew. We can't have them making suppositions about our relationship, now can we."

A chill shuddered through Kathryn's body. He'd closed her out, just like that, no warning. The Chakotay she had known on that lonely and lush planet when it had been just the two of them was a man she rarely encountered. She had lost him somewhere between the planet and Voyager. Only now did she realize that she missed the Chakotay who had built her a bathtub and carved headboards for their beds. The man who'd given her the gentlest of backrubs. This cold imposing man was not her first officer, not really.

"Thank you, Chakotay." She stood, brushing hands down the front of her uniform, professional once more. "I appreciate your assistance. I'll be here at 1300 hours."

"Captain, we had better make it your quarters."

She paused at the door, not looking back at him."Very well."

Head high, Kathryn marched out of Chakotay's quarters, listening to the door hiss shut behind her.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Chakotay took out his frustration on the wall of his quarters, nearly denting the solid structure with his fist. Anger was an emotion he thought he'd mastered within a year as a member of Voyager's crew. But the maelstrom of conflicting emotions surrounding Kathryn sent those damned feelings bubbling toward the surface once again. "Why do you need her to need you so desperately, you sentimental fool?"

No answer.


	2. Chapter 2

Voyager - Spirit World

_Chapter Two - Needs of the Few_

by Carissa Horton

Rating: PG13 for sensuality (duh)

Summary: Set immediately after episode _Sacred Ground_ in Season Three. Kathryn is struggling with her scientific side after her encounter with the spirit world on Nechani. Not knowing where else to go, she turns to Chakotay for guidance, little knowing her trust in him might develop into more than she anticipated. Throw in a pinch of adventure, a dash of Vidiian evil, and a smidgen of danger and we've got ourselves a story.

Thanks for your reviews everyone! That always helps inspire me to continue writing. I confess to being unsure where this chapter would lead. I'm one of those writers that permits the characters to create their own stories. I just go along for the ride, sort of a biographer. So you might be surprised, and hopefully pleased, by the result of this chapter. Then again, you might hate me for the end. My bad! We'll have to wait and see what happens. I'm as clueless as you! Let me just say that I can hardly wait for chapter three to manifest itself. I have a suspicion it'll be a humdinger!

Chapter Two

The following morning, Kathryn treated Chakotay as she had always treated him, with affectionate detachment. He handed her an engineering report, which she accepted with a smile, and a calm, "Another report, Commander? As if we didn't know every nuance of Voyager already. That happens when you've been away from home as long as we have."

"We may know Voyager thoroughly, Captain, but reports still need to be read."

"Indeed. Thank you, Commander."

There was no indicator, no flash of uneasiness between them, to alert the crew of Kathryn's tension. She had always been a superb liar, even in grade school when Billy Boyd had accidentally lost their teacher's favorite bracelet down a storm drain and Kathryn had taken the blame upon herself. It had been worth it though, to see Billy's relieved and appreciative face grin at her before leaning in to kiss her cheek. She had been 11 at the time. Still, there was a certain tightness to the muscles of Chakotay's back. His uniform usually fit a little looser than it did today. Either that or she was becoming more aware of his mood swings and was merely imagining the unusual fit of his clothes.

Chakotay focused his breathing in the seat beside Kathryn, watching the galaxy flash past in a haze of indiscernible stars. Even at Warp 6, the highest warp they could safely maintain, it would take them at least two generations of crew to reach home. Miracles were possible, but Chakotay didn't hold out much hope for one. He had almost dared to believe they would reach Earth safely when that wormhole opened up two months ago. But the conniving Ferengi had completely ruined their chances of escaping back into their quadrant. Not normally a violent man, Chakotay would have gladly wrung their necks had he the opportunity. At this very moment, he was sure, the two misfits were safely secluded back on their home world, boasting of their success over the lost Federation ship, Voyager.

It felt like forever, the hours slowly ticking by, until Chakotay calmly excused himself from the Bridge. His next two hours could be spent off duty and Chakotay wanted nothing more than to visit the Holodeck and continue a seagoing holonovel he'd begun two months after joining Voyager. But an agreement was an agreement and he could not escape his memory of the captain's desperate pleading.

So it was that Chakotay found himself outside Kathryn's quarters at 1300 hours, seriously questioning his mental judgment and choice in attire. A crewman hurried past, not even glancing his direction, but Chakotay still felt conspicuous. Never mind that he visited the captain's quarters weekly to provide a full status report, even more often if she was in need of advice concerning treatment of the crew. But this was different. He knew it and so did she. Still, no going back.

He rested his hand on the keypad to her door, which swooshed open immediately. She stood at the window, dressed in Starfleet garb, a steaming cup of coffee in her hand, the strong blend permeating her quarters. She didn't face him, merely sipped her coffee before murmuring, "I almost thought you wouldn't bother coming, Commander."

"I gave you my word."

She chuckled sardonically, "And your word is your bond, eh, Chakotay? Yes, even if it means doing something you find distasteful. Such as now."

Chakotay knew his actions the night before had genuinely hurt her, a fact blatantly obvious by her self-protective stance. He'd never locked her out before, though he'd been locked out of her thoughts many times. It pained her to have the tables turned and even though Chakotay hated to cause any emotional injury, he also felt a slight comfort in knowing he had the power to reciprocate her indifference. It gave them an even playing field.

But now was the time to make amends. "Kathryn," he spoke evenly, stepping further inside her quarters, dropping a packet onto the coffee table, moving until he reached her side, "you caught me off guard last night. I'm not accustomed to sharing personal moments with you and I was unsure of how to respond. But my badly executed reaction was not meant to. . .What I mean to say is that I apologize. I'm glad that I can of service to you. And I'm pleased you felt you could trust me enough to speak honestly."

Kathryn's internal wall crumbled. Still clutching her mug, Kathryn turned slightly to gaze at him. The gentle compassion reflected in his eyes sent the rest of her wall tumbling down and she had to restrain a sigh of relief. He was Chakotay again. "Thank you, Chakotay. I know, you'd rather I stayed on a single emotional track. Honestly, I wish I could, but being out here, so far from Starfleet, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and unsure of my choices. But I'm quite in control now. You won't have to fear any more emotional outbursts that penetrate your comfort zone."

He smiled crookedly at her, "Thank you. I think. Although to be fair, I hope you still indulge in the occasional emotional outburst at Lieutenant Paris. Otherwise I'm afraid you might crush his spirit."

"We can't have that, now can we." She finally faced him directly, feeling almost shy and uncertain, a sensation most disconcerting. "So, what now?"

"Now." Chakotay paused then grinned, "Now, you let me lead."

Gently he guided her to sit cross-legged on the floor, no support for her back. Reverently, he laid the animal skin packet on the floor, settling across from her, also in the lotus position. "Now, I want you to just relax. Allow all conscious thought to drain from your mind. As if you're trying to sleep."

"Easier said than done. But I'll try." Clasping a hand to each knee, Kathryn inhaled a few deep breaths, watching steadily while Chakotay unwrapped the skin. He tenderly handled each item it contained. First there was a scientifically advanced item which he placed on the smooth skin. Then a wing of some sort, undoubtedly a black bird, he set tenderly beside its brother, and finally, Chakotay fondled a smooth river stone, marked by the language of his people.

Chakotay rolled the rock between his palms for a few moments, warming it, preparing it for the touch of another. He looked up an extended his hands palm upward, the rock nestled securely in his left hand, towards her. No hesitancy lingered in her gaze. Trustingly, she lowered her hands, palm down, onto his own. His heat melded with hers.

Chakotay's eyes, his pupils dilating, sent Kathryn's heart throbbing painfully in her chest. They barely touched, waiting for the electricity of their shared connection to the stone to dissipate. Slowly, she felt it become a part of her, melding with her synapses, flooding every pore with energy. It was more than Chakotay now. He felt it too, she knew it, this strange exhilaration overflowing her senses. Like sex but oh so much better, so much more fulfilling. It made her want to weep for the joy of it.

He barely needed to urge her next moves, she was so attuned to the stone and to him. Together, they drew their hands together until he no longer touched the stone, until it was encased by her hands which were then encased by his. Leaning over the animal skin and ancestral elements, Chakotay met Kathryn halfway, their foreheads caressing, eyes naturally closing, encompassing the heat of the stone. It pulsed through him as it had never done before, almost overpowering his voice.

But speak he must and so he traversed the familiar words, "A-koo-chee-moya. I pray on this day of memories, to speak to my father - the one whom the wind called... Kolopak. Though I'm far from his bones, perhaps there is a spirit in these unnamed skies who will find him, and honor him with my song. I bring with me a woman, seeking spiritual guidance, in need of wisdom that only the spirits can provide. A-koo-chee-moya."

Kathryn wasn't sure what she expected but it certainly wasn't the sudden panic of Chakotay's absence from her side, from her thoughts. She felt cold and terribly, terribly alone. The stone was no longer in her hands, Chakotay no longer grounded her to the spiritual plane with which she was most familiar. Her legs collapsed under her and her eyelids refused to open.

Finally, she forced one then another to crack, peeking out from under her lashes.

The world was dark.

Ink black.

She couldn't breathe.

Sleep, sweet slumber, seduced her.

"Kathryn!"

Who dared interrupt her rest?

"Kathryn, open your eyes!"

Why? There was nothing to see.

A sudden sting attacked her cheek.

Eyes flying open, Kathryn lashed out.

Chakotay struggled with the wild woman in his arms. He'd never considered fingernails lethal until they scraped across his face, removing a hunk of skin along his left cheekbone. She was strong as a wild cat. And he should know, having unwillingly wrestled one in his youth. But that was many years ago and he was in no mood to be mauled to death by the panicked woman writhing about the room. With a magnificent grunt, he rolled her onto her back, straddling her body, anything to keep her still.

"Kathryn, it's me!"

The snarl broke through her subliminal fear. Her senses thundered back into her body and she found herself starring into Chakotay's dark eyes. Moisture dripped onto her cheek. Color slowly returned to the room and she realized the color was red, blood red. It dripped from Chakotay's mutilated face. He pressed her down into the unyielding carpet of her living quarters, his hands firmly wrapped around her wrists. But the moment she met his gaze directly, he lessened his grasp. Not caring that he still straddled her, the heat of his body perfectly aligned to her own, Kathryn slid her hand free and touched his face, the blood on his face mirrored on her fingertips. Tears slid down her cheeks. His chin wobbled, just the tiniest bit, before he enfolded her in his arms, still sprawled on the floor.

"Oh, Chakotay, I'm so sorry." She choked out.

He didn't even bother to respond, just clung to her, rolling onto his side and taking her with him. Now he could touch her hair, loosened from its French Roll in their struggle. He was almost afraid she would pull away from him, straighten herself, become the captain again. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his waist, wriggling one underneath his torso so she could clutch him more solidly. His chin rested perfectly atop her head, nuzzling her soft hair.

"I'm the one who needs to apologize, Kathryn. I've never tried contacting the spirit world in conjunction with another person before. I had no idea the spirits would object so strongly to the connection." He straightened, pulling her up with him. Hands framing her face, he brushed the lingering strands of hair away from her lips and eyes.

Kathryn thanked the fates for every breath she inhaled. Each one was precious and each one reaffirmed her belief that she had survived the dreadful loneliness. A schism of desire wound through her body, emanating inward from every part of her skin that touched Chakotay. That desperate solitude had engulfed her. All she thought now was to touch him, to caress him, to feel his presence, to know she wasn't alone. She inhaled his musky scent, so uniquely Chakotay. How desperately she needed him now.

Chakotay's entire body stiffened at Kathryn's kiss. She straightened just enough for her lips to connect with his, warm and passionate. She pulled back slightly only to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him again. His mind fuzzy, all Chakotay could think was to return her caress. Chakotay stroked her lips with his tongue, urging hers to part for him. A low groan of desire escaped her, the sound sending a pulse of longing straight to his groin. Their tongues embraced, dancing across one another, lips easing together then apart until Chakotay felt reason fade. He wanted nothing more than this, just this. Kathryn's hands found the opening to his uniform shirt. The zipper slid slowly down his back, rasping his already sensitive skin.

"Captain, you're needed on the Bridge immediately. A Vidiian ship is on an intercept trajectory with Voyager!"


End file.
